You Lied

Ever laid on the floor?
You can see all the dirt
At least...
You think you can
I thought I did
But only for a second

You can never really see all the dirt

Those particles are too
Small
You could call them
Hidden
I suppose
Sometimes
Those particles gather
Clump together
So you can see them
Otherwise they'd be virtually
Invisible

Sweep the floor
Then mop it
And use bleach
Maybe a fragrance
Get the dirt off
Temporary
Because the dirt comes back anyway
And the dirt never fully left either

It always returns.

No Sunshine

Would you laze around with me?
Darling.
I don't know what to do here
Boredom, you see...
Would you laze around with me?
It'd be better with you
I know
If we were
Again
We're not
But a girl can dream
Would you laze around with me though?
This isn't something we can do
But I do
Imagine
Us in the snow
Walking and it's falling
A single flake can glow
And land on my shoe tip
And I'll stay still
Transfixed
Trying to hold it there
Like a football
Ha.
And I'll be focused
And you'll stare at me
And you'll wonder at my focus
Marvel at the degree of it
And fall in love with me even more
A girl can dream, you see.
If even these dreams turn into nightmares
Even if these dreams drive her insane
Why can't I dream?
I can
But not about this, right?
Because this is me holding on
To hope
That we will be again
So would you laze around with me?
You wouldn't, would you?
I think you would
But you'd laze with her too.
You still can't make up your mind
That is my dilemma
My undoing.

I Kinda Love You

That feeling when your friend is hurting and you can't help.

Why is it so easy to grow to love someone?
If I could take away all his pain I would
-sigh-
What do you call it when you just want to be around someone?
That friendship that you hope lasts forever
Stay with me, yeah?

I didn't cry?

So the other day my head went "...Wait... You haven't been too sad in a few days.... Cry now."

How ridiculous is that?

That is literally what went on in my head. I didn't cry for a few days so I just randomly started crying. This life is mental. It really is.

Random Memory of Us

He randomly touched my butt lol

I think it was one of those 'I booped your bottom' moments

I must have reacted badly and I told him I usually don't like when ppl do that

So he felt all bad and stuff

And I told him I didn't have a problem with him doing it

It just always came as a surprise

But he still felt bad

So I insisted that it was ok until he felt better

And put his hands there and kept them there while we were walking

I would love to be able to say
"I haven't cried in months"
Because life is just that good
And I'm just that happy
And things rarely ever get to me
At the end of the day
I'm so unhappy
And I have no one to talk to about it
I have my really good friends
They tell me stuff
But I can't talk to them about how I really feel
I can't talk to anyone
I have no one
I wonder how much of my friends feel like this
I can give advice easy
Can't take it though
I genuinely hate my life
I go out and have a good time
But then I get home and sit in my room
And everything is bad again
And I just really want to fast forward to the part where I'm actually happy

Day 1?

I made the decision to cut him off yesterday
And then I gave him an ultimatum
So he's not going to try
All that does is make me feel like he's saying
I'm not worth the effort
Nice.

Last night we went to a restaurant for my friend;s birthday
He was there and I saw him I got uncomfortable instantly
And throughout the meal I wanted to go home
I really just wanted to leave so that I wouldn't have to see him

Apparently every time he tried to touch me I almost freaked out
And apparently that means I have lots of rage

Well I figured that much already
I know I'm upset

The night was fun but I wan't fully there
I couldn't bring myself to smile for any of the pictures that were taken
It literally felt like a huge chore to smile
I was trying to prep myself but it didn't work

I wanted to get up but I didn't want to make a scene

Ugh
And I still get so jealous when I see him interact with
His best friend
Like there seems to be something more than just friendship there
I hate it
I don't hate her at all tho
I really like her
But I wish she'd show him the same amount of affection

Bleh

I don't want to keep allowing myself to get so worked up over this
It needs to end

Defence Mechanisms

I just thought about telling my friend I'm unhappy then I started to cry :|
Did that make it too real for me?
I don't understand the random burst of tears...

I was gonna tell her that because I have a theory about myself
I tend to get easily obsessed with stuff
And I just keep latching on to these things
But they make me glad while I'm occupied with them

So I figure because I'm so unhappy in general,
These obsessions act as defence mechanisms for me
They give me temporary relief

Harry Potter, anime and Michael Jackson

Doesn't Look Like I'll Get Better

I'm a tad concerned about the way I think. Every time I come here it's to talk about him. Why is that? I have other problems. But I never feel like writing about them. Why do I only write when my mood reflects negativity? I used to write about stuff when I felt glad. I don't do that anymore.

Jaded?

It had been years since I wrote about anything.

I just checked. It had been 3 years since I wrote about anything in a positive light. Then there was him. And I wrote about some firsts. I don't remember the first time we hugged though.
First time he held my hand, first kiss on the cheek, first kiss on the forehead, first real kiss.

I don't remember the day he said 'I choose her.'
I don't remember the day he told me about her either.
I remember him asking me if I wanted him to leave.
That was horrible. Ever have that feeling?
Wanting someone to leave but knowing that if they do leave, that will be it?
It was awful.

I just want the pain to go away.

Erm... Yeah

Last night I reached that I hate you but I love you phase. Like I could definitely say I hate him. But then I thought 'but I still love him.' And now I can't say either. Awhile ago I felt a bit sad and I thought 'oh I'm almost numb.' But now I don't feel sad or anything so I am numb. This has never happened before.
It's weird.

"How do you feel Timmy?"
"I do not."

I was wondering if I should just give up entirely.
Everyone feels that we should/are going to get back together but that can't happen unless both parties want it, right? He told my cousin that he still loves me.
All that does is upset me.
Because he didn't say he's IN love with me. Because he's not.
But I'm IN love with him. So my feelings aren't returned.
Yet again.
I was told to not think of it as me not being good enough...
But this isn't the 1st time someone I was with has had such strong feelings for someone else and  we end up having to break up because of it.
He said "I choose her."
He'll never know the scar that left.
And all while I decided to actually do something about my self esteem.
June makes the 3 months.
He broke up with me 3 months ago.
You know, before him I had a period of 2-month relationships.
I tried 4 times.
Each time lasted 2 months...
And then there was him.
We started to 'date' in April last year...
The 10th of April 2012.
First time he kissed me.
Then in August we officially became a couple.
That was the 29th.
So it had been 11 months since he 1st kissed me but 6 months since we'd been together.
It lasted that long, see?
I was finally willing to stay with someone.
Because it was so good I was scared of losing him
All the time I was so afraid.
I was afraid I'd mess it up, somehow.
I guess, to be fair, I should say that he'd never actually said he's in love with me...
He only ever said I love you or some variation of that.
But I thought... Assumed.

No One Knows

What really gets me is how happy I thought he was. I mean... I didn't fully believe it but I really wanted to. Everyone was saying how much happier he seemed. A parent said he was glowing. I thought I made him happy. But I was never fully convinced that I was doing that. Even though he told me that I made him happy. Aside from my own insecurities, I think I didn't believe it because I'd never seen the smile that I wanted to see. I think after his grandmother and aunt died he lost the ability to really smile with his eyes. That tore away a big part of him. But I really wanted to see his eyes light up like that. I didn't care if I was the reason I just felt like if I could see his eyes do that then I'd know for sure that he's okay. That he really is happy. But I never did see it. And it breaks my heart because I don't think I ever will.

He's exhibiting more symptoms of depression now. And I'm losing hope. But I don't want to give up on him. I really believe he deserves happiness. That's all I want for him.

No one knows how much I love him.

Loneliness. Feeling like you’re all alone in this world and you have no one as a friend or companion. Then you find someone who you feel within your heart of hearts can make it so you never feel lonely again but you still feel lonely anyway. Then you realize you never had that person and you really are all alone. And that’s never going to change because you’ve decided you’d rather the loneliness than the betrayal. And it feels like that’s all you’ll ever get from anyone. You sit and wait for the people closest to you to find some way to leave your life. Because that’s all you know. And you’re sure it’s all you’ll ever know. And it hurts. Because you were so scared to try. So scared to open yourself up to someone the way you did. You left yourself bare. Even though you know that you’ll always get a bad hand. Even though your life has taught you that you’re meant to be alone. You try anyway. Because you hope that just maybe things will go differently. And for a while it seems like they will. But then everything snaps into place and you are reminded of who you are and what your life has taught you. And you think you’re done with all the feelings so you tell yourself you’re done but there’s still that flicker of hope. That candle that just won’t go out. You want to extinguish it though. So you keep telling yourself that it’s over and you’ll never try again. And you hope that you can live your life like this. Free of hurt and pain. Free of those emotional ties. Because even though you’d be lonely, you wouldn’t be hurt. And maybe that’s not living but you’ve almost lost the will to care about that. You figure it best because even though you have people in your life who swear they care, you don’t want to say any of this to them. Because if they really do care they’ll worry. And you think about worse; they don’t care and you’re just a burden. An attention seeker. That’s all you are to some of them. You’re sure of it. And you could keep going about all of this but you feel like you should stop because you’re afraid of what might happen and because you hate how admitting this makes you feel. I am you.

This is how it is

This isn't the me that I'd like to be

She popped up unexpectedly on Saturday night. I'd never seen her in person before that. I was trying to discourage him from coming. Didn't work. And they talked for a few minutes. Not by themselves but they were together. And in those moments I felt like I understood why people say 'if the earth could swallow me now' ... I genuinely felt like that's what I needed. To be swallowed whole. To be taken away from it. It was so painful.
On discovering it was her, my entire body shut down. I felt my heart fall through my gut. And I felt my throat close up. And everybody knows. Everyone knows I'm the girl who wasn't good enough. Everyone pities me. Everyone knows I was in pain. They don't know how much. I was shaking. I knew it right away. Then it was said that I was shaking. I had never thought of it as anxiety until it was suggested. But I responded in the affirmative almost instantly.
I'm not sure what's wrong with me. Or why when I fall, I fall so hard. I wish it weren't so. What I want cannot be. I wonder if it ever was. It doesn't seem like it.

This is how it was

I feel sort of vulnerable ...

I keep thinking that I’ve never felt this

This level of happiness with someone else

But I can’t be sure

I’m not that attentive, you see.

I find my lack of attention to detail

Rather irritating in situations like this.

I always say ‘next time I’m gonna ...’

And so on and so forth.

Hmm

I like you

A lot actually

I want to describe what happens

When I look at you

But I can’t seem to do that

Without sounding like a bad movie

And I despise that tone

I really do

Even ‘when I look at you’ sounds cheesy

-_-

Ugh

But it really is what they say in the movies

Isn’t it?

I looked at you the other day

And I didn’t want to stop looking

‘Couldn’t tear my eyes away’ >.>

‘When I looked at you I heard music’ –gags-

But that IS what happened

I heard elaborate music

And I feel like a douche.

I always say ‘next time I’m gonna ...’

And so on and so forth.

But I never do

I also feel like I read too much into things

I feel as though I say things that are

Controversial

And that I’ve struck a nerve with you

More than once

But you never let on

Because you’re ‘someone who doesn’t show genuine emotions’

Well.

Fuck me I guess. K

That’s me hating not knowing what goes through your mind.

There’s always that lingering, you know.

That undeniable itch

That need for me to know what you’re thinking.

I’ll not pressure you for that though

Not for now at least.

But I’ll always want to know

Because your thoughts would tell me:

1.       If you think about me as much as I think about you

2.       If you’re happy

3.       If you feel helpless

4.       If you want my input

5.       If I bother you

6.       If I’ve said something wrong

7.       If you want me as much as I want you

8.       If you still want me at all

And I could go on

Our hugs and kisses are ...

Well ...

When we hug ‘I don’t want to let go’ -.-

When we kiss ‘I always want more’ =_=

I remember all the kisses ...

But I keep thinking about a particular one

.... When I couldn’t overnight >.>

I kept thinking

‘This is the first time he’s kissed me so passionately’

I felt like ... You wanted to take me then and there

That whole day there was something

Marked about your touch

Because literally every time you made contact

With my skin

‘My stomach did flip flops’

Every. Time.

And I remember thinking

‘What the hell is wrong with me?’

I couldn’t fathom why my stomach kept doing that

I still don’t understand it

And then that kiss.

And during I felt it in my stomach.

And for a full week after ... Or more

Every time I thought about that kiss

I would feel my stomach

And I wouldn’t understand it

I always say ‘next time I’m gonna ...’

And so on and so forth.

But I never do.

‘I just want you to be happy’ Ugh

Everything’s already been said in movies ...

But that’s how I feel

I genuinely want you to be happy inside. Always.

Because that’s what I am with you

Happy inside.

I noticed this picture of you and your family

I do believe that’s the first time I’ve seen someone

Smile with their eyes like that

It struck me right away

You looked so happy ....

Down to your soul happy.

And I could cry thinking about it

What I wouldn’t give to see you smile like that

With your eyes

I don’t need to be the cause of it

I just want it to happen

And I want it desperately for you

I just feel like

If I could see you smile like that ... Even once

I’d be so happy too

If only you knew

It’s really scary, this.

Knowing that I’ve gotten so attached

So concerned

I do love you, you know.

It’s that kind of love that I know exists

Cuz I’m still not sure of the other kind ...

But yeah

You’re my ...

Friend?

I really don’t like calling you that

I hate it in fact

But I can’t find a stronger word right now

So I’ll settle for

‘You’re the cheese to my macaroni.’

That’ll have to do I guess..

I always say ‘next time I’m gonna ...’

And so on and so forth.

But I never do.

I did this time though.

At least a bit.

I managed to remember what it feels like

To kiss you

So I guess I remember ‘what you taste like’

Heh

I’d stare a lot more

If it were socially acceptable

I love holding your hand

I love the tone your voice takes

When you say you miss and love me

I fear by my saying all of this

That I would scare you off

Which is one reason why

I don’t think I could say everything I’ve written to your face

It’d be mighty difficult for me

‘You give me feels’ ... Get it now?

‘I miss you when you’re gone.’

‘There’s never enough time.’

Woooooow

I just remember how vulnerable I felt after writing that

I got that nervous thing in my stomach

Totally different stomach thing

Not pleasant to feel at all

But I do

I miss you terribly

And I want you here

Because your presence is both

A stimulant and a tranquilizer to me

And that in itself is beautiful

So please ... Stay

This is gonna be a collection of my thoughts.

My first thought is... Is she in love with him?