Last night we went to a restaurant for my friend;s birthday
He was there and I saw him I got uncomfortable instantly
And throughout the meal I wanted to go home
I really just wanted to leave so that I wouldn't have to see him

Apparently every time he tried to touch me I almost freaked out
And apparently that means I have lots of rage

Well I figured that much already
I know I'm upset

The night was fun but I wan't fully there
I couldn't bring myself to smile for any of the pictures that were taken
It literally felt like a huge chore to smile
I was trying to prep myself but it didn't work

I wanted to get up but I didn't want to make a scene

Ugh
And I still get so jealous when I see him interact with
His best friend
Like there seems to be something more than just friendship there
I hate it
I don't hate her at all tho
I really like her
But I wish she'd show him the same amount of affection

Bleh

I don't want to keep allowing myself to get so worked up over this
It needs to end

Defence Mechanisms

I just thought about telling my friend I'm unhappy then I started to cry :|
Did that make it too real for me?
I don't understand the random burst of tears...

I was gonna tell her that because I have a theory about myself
I tend to get easily obsessed with stuff
And I just keep latching on to these things
But they make me glad while I'm occupied with them

So I figure because I'm so unhappy in general,
These obsessions act as defence mechanisms for me
They give me temporary relief

Harry Potter, anime and Michael Jackson

Doesn't Look Like I'll Get Better

I'm a tad concerned about the way I think. Every time I come here it's to talk about him. Why is that? I have other problems. But I never feel like writing about them. Why do I only write when my mood reflects negativity? I used to write about stuff when I felt glad. I don't do that anymore.

Jaded?

It had been years since I wrote about anything.

I just checked. It had been 3 years since I wrote about anything in a positive light. Then there was him. And I wrote about some firsts. I don't remember the first time we hugged though.
First time he held my hand, first kiss on the cheek, first kiss on the forehead, first real kiss.

I don't remember the day he said 'I choose her.'
I don't remember the day he told me about her either.
I remember him asking me if I wanted him to leave.
That was horrible. Ever have that feeling?
Wanting someone to leave but knowing that if they do leave, that will be it?
It was awful.

I just want the pain to go away.

Erm... Yeah

Last night I reached that I hate you but I love you phase. Like I could definitely say I hate him. But then I thought 'but I still love him.' And now I can't say either. Awhile ago I felt a bit sad and I thought 'oh I'm almost numb.' But now I don't feel sad or anything so I am numb. This has never happened before.
It's weird.

"How do you feel Timmy?"
"I do not."

I was wondering if I should just give up entirely.
Everyone feels that we should/are going to get back together but that can't happen unless both parties want it, right? He told my cousin that he still loves me.
All that does is upset me.
Because he didn't say he's IN love with me. Because he's not.
But I'm IN love with him. So my feelings aren't returned.
Yet again.
I was told to not think of it as me not being good enough...
But this isn't the 1st time someone I was with has had such strong feelings for someone else and  we end up having to break up because of it.
He said "I choose her."
He'll never know the scar that left.
And all while I decided to actually do something about my self esteem.
June makes the 3 months.
He broke up with me 3 months ago.
You know, before him I had a period of 2-month relationships.
I tried 4 times.
Each time lasted 2 months...
And then there was him.
We started to 'date' in April last year...
The 10th of April 2012.
First time he kissed me.
Then in August we officially became a couple.
That was the 29th.
So it had been 11 months since he 1st kissed me but 6 months since we'd been together.
It lasted that long, see?
I was finally willing to stay with someone.
Because it was so good I was scared of losing him
All the time I was so afraid.
I was afraid I'd mess it up, somehow.
I guess, to be fair, I should say that he'd never actually said he's in love with me...
He only ever said I love you or some variation of that.
But I thought... Assumed.