This is how it was

I feel sort of vulnerable ...

I keep thinking that I’ve never felt this

This level of happiness with someone else

But I can’t be sure

I’m not that attentive, you see.

I find my lack of attention to detail

Rather irritating in situations like this.

I always say ‘next time I’m gonna ...’

And so on and so forth.

Hmm

I like you

A lot actually

I want to describe what happens

When I look at you

But I can’t seem to do that

Without sounding like a bad movie

And I despise that tone

I really do

Even ‘when I look at you’ sounds cheesy

-_-

Ugh

But it really is what they say in the movies

Isn’t it?

I looked at you the other day

And I didn’t want to stop looking

‘Couldn’t tear my eyes away’ >.>

‘When I looked at you I heard music’ –gags-

But that IS what happened

I heard elaborate music

And I feel like a douche.

I always say ‘next time I’m gonna ...’

And so on and so forth.

But I never do

I also feel like I read too much into things

I feel as though I say things that are

Controversial

And that I’ve struck a nerve with you

More than once

But you never let on

Because you’re ‘someone who doesn’t show genuine emotions’

Well.

Fuck me I guess. K

That’s me hating not knowing what goes through your mind.

There’s always that lingering, you know.

That undeniable itch

That need for me to know what you’re thinking.

I’ll not pressure you for that though

Not for now at least.

But I’ll always want to know

Because your thoughts would tell me:

1.       If you think about me as much as I think about you

2.       If you’re happy

3.       If you feel helpless

4.       If you want my input

5.       If I bother you

6.       If I’ve said something wrong

7.       If you want me as much as I want you

8.       If you still want me at all

And I could go on

Our hugs and kisses are ...

Well ...

When we hug ‘I don’t want to let go’ -.-

When we kiss ‘I always want more’ =_=

I remember all the kisses ...

But I keep thinking about a particular one

.... When I couldn’t overnight >.>

I kept thinking

‘This is the first time he’s kissed me so passionately’

I felt like ... You wanted to take me then and there

That whole day there was something

Marked about your touch

Because literally every time you made contact

With my skin

‘My stomach did flip flops’

Every. Time.

And I remember thinking

‘What the hell is wrong with me?’

I couldn’t fathom why my stomach kept doing that

I still don’t understand it

And then that kiss.

And during I felt it in my stomach.

And for a full week after ... Or more

Every time I thought about that kiss

I would feel my stomach

And I wouldn’t understand it

I always say ‘next time I’m gonna ...’

And so on and so forth.

But I never do.

‘I just want you to be happy’ Ugh

Everything’s already been said in movies ...

But that’s how I feel

I genuinely want you to be happy inside. Always.

Because that’s what I am with you

Happy inside.

I noticed this picture of you and your family

I do believe that’s the first time I’ve seen someone

Smile with their eyes like that

It struck me right away

You looked so happy ....

Down to your soul happy.

And I could cry thinking about it

What I wouldn’t give to see you smile like that

With your eyes

I don’t need to be the cause of it

I just want it to happen

And I want it desperately for you

I just feel like

If I could see you smile like that ... Even once

I’d be so happy too

If only you knew

It’s really scary, this.

Knowing that I’ve gotten so attached

So concerned

I do love you, you know.

It’s that kind of love that I know exists

Cuz I’m still not sure of the other kind ...

But yeah

You’re my ...

Friend?

I really don’t like calling you that

I hate it in fact

But I can’t find a stronger word right now

So I’ll settle for

‘You’re the cheese to my macaroni.’

That’ll have to do I guess..

I always say ‘next time I’m gonna ...’

And so on and so forth.

But I never do.

I did this time though.

At least a bit.

I managed to remember what it feels like

To kiss you

So I guess I remember ‘what you taste like’

Heh

I’d stare a lot more

If it were socially acceptable

I love holding your hand

I love the tone your voice takes

When you say you miss and love me

I fear by my saying all of this

That I would scare you off

Which is one reason why

I don’t think I could say everything I’ve written to your face

It’d be mighty difficult for me

‘You give me feels’ ... Get it now?

‘I miss you when you’re gone.’

‘There’s never enough time.’

Woooooow

I just remember how vulnerable I felt after writing that

I got that nervous thing in my stomach

Totally different stomach thing

Not pleasant to feel at all

But I do

I miss you terribly

And I want you here

Because your presence is both

A stimulant and a tranquilizer to me

And that in itself is beautiful

So please ... Stay