This is how it is

This isn't the me that I'd like to be

She popped up unexpectedly on Saturday night. I'd never seen her in person before that. I was trying to discourage him from coming. Didn't work. And they talked for a few minutes. Not by themselves but they were together. And in those moments I felt like I understood why people say 'if the earth could swallow me now' ... I genuinely felt like that's what I needed. To be swallowed whole. To be taken away from it. It was so painful.
On discovering it was her, my entire body shut down. I felt my heart fall through my gut. And I felt my throat close up. And everybody knows. Everyone knows I'm the girl who wasn't good enough. Everyone pities me. Everyone knows I was in pain. They don't know how much. I was shaking. I knew it right away. Then it was said that I was shaking. I had never thought of it as anxiety until it was suggested. But I responded in the affirmative almost instantly.
I'm not sure what's wrong with me. Or why when I fall, I fall so hard. I wish it weren't so. What I want cannot be. I wonder if it ever was. It doesn't seem like it.